There are two sides to a trumpeter's personality: there is the one that lives only to lay waste to the woodwinds and strings leaving them lying blue and lifeless along the swath of destruction that is a trumpeter's fury; then there's the dark side...
Filtering by Category: Humor
Forwarded to me by Steve Korn, this is the introduction to bassist Tony Levin's book, "Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing". It is a great take on the creation story ala bass clef:
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.
And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.
Low God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.
And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create an soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."
"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."
"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
And it was so.
More good humor sent to me by trumpet player Andy Omdahl:
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says 'Domino's Pizza'
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
Thanks to trumpet player Andy Omdahl for send these my way:
"Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them."
"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."
"The drummer drives. Everybody else rides!"
"Some days you get up and put the horn to your chops and it sounds pretty good and you win. Some days you try and nothing works and the horn wins. This goes on and on and then you die and the horn wins."
Dizzy Gillespie, on playing the trumpet
"Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time."
"We never play anything the same way once. "
Shelly Manne's definition of jazz musicians
"Someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn't."
AI Cohn's definition of a gentleman
"To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse."
"I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve."
"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats."
Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan
"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together."
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
"Berlioz s ays nothing in his music, but he says it magnificently."
James Gibbons Hunekar
"God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way. "
Arturo Toscanini, to a trumpet player
"Already too loud! "
Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments
"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. "
Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis DilIer
"In opera, there is always too much singing."
"I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the twentieth century that has made giant strides in reverse."
"The bottom line of any country is, what did we contribute to the world? We contributed Louis Armstrong."